I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
