I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
