maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
