How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
