I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
