the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
