wakey wakey hands off snakey
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
