Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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