Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
