You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
