I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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