you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
