Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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