Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
