"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
