just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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