k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
