I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
