I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
