Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
