I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
