turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
