if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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