Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
