; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize