I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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