i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I need a beard to bite.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
