i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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