hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
