Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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