I want you more than these girls want KFC
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
