Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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