I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
