I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize