I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
