yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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