I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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