I just found a bag of teeth...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
