so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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