You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
