Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
