I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
