I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize