I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
