he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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