I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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