i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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