My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
