why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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