I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
