i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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