sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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