i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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