under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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