You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
