the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I can't put those talents on a resume
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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