I am puke
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
