Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize